Cycle Day 13 – Progress yet again!

Going into the clinic this morning left me feeling nothing followed by excitement and then the apprehensive feeling of possible/most likely failure.

The lady doing the ultrasound said nothing except, “please push here”. Maybe I’m gaining weight and it’s harder for them to see my ovaries? When I pushed on my right side it hurt a lot. When I pushed on my left side I felt nothing at all. She clicked away and I fantasized about what she could be measuring. In the past, the clicking meant measuring follicles (in my head) only to find out that actually they weren’t measuring anything meaningful at all.

When I got up, I glanced at the screen and noticed definite larger follicles. I asked. She said that I have two follicles growing on my left side (the side that didn’t hurt). One is 10mm and the other is 11mm. She told me that when I talk to the nurse it will show up as two 10mm because the computer wont register the 11mm. (!!!!!!! GROWTH!!!!!) Then she told me that I have a very lazy cycle and that they should be able to fix this with meds. PARDON ME? (You may remember this technician who called my completely non-responsive cycle lazy in the past). So I told her that actually this is the best response I’ve had yet, it’s better than ever.

Think about it – this is the first time I’ve responded this early (last time I didn’t have a 10mm until CD 18) and I have an 11mm follicle for the first time. It’s a huge success for me!! Best results yet.

My lining is still small… it only grew 1mm to 4mm now. I’m not too worried about that though.

I’m hesitant to feel joy. I can’t wait until my next appointment on Saturday. Ah I hope I have more results, I HOPE I see growth!

QUESTIONS:

1. Is my cycle and it’s follicle growth something you can relate to?
2. On Letrozole – anyone else experience a lot extreme emotions/anxiety/crying bouts after taking the last pill?  I took my last pill on Friday and it seemed that I had serious anxiety/crying Saturday, less so but still bad on Sunday, and it continued to lessen each day until about Wednesday. Today isn’t too bad at all

 

CD10

I guess it’s not a good ultrasound when the technician says, “Where is your ovary?”.

Quoting the nurse, “no mature follicles”. Basically, nothing has changed.

I’m skipping a bunch of days before heading back… wont get checked again until Thursday. The nurse said that I didn’t respond until very late last cycle, so she would except something a bit similar but because my dose of Letrozole was higher, I should show change sooner. She was surprised that they put me on Provera last time without checking me again since I had a 10mm follicle. I wonder if it would have made a difference? But the thing is… it didn’t grow or change after 2 visits. Also, my lining is only 3mm… much smaller than all other times I asked.

I was extremely emotional this past weekend. My poor husband was so supportive and amazing. I think I literally ruined the weekend crying the whole time.

Anyway, I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if we didn’t see anything today – but I kinda am.

I’ll continue the waiting game until Thursday. Fingers crossed.

Fourth day of Letrozole

Yesterday I had a terrible headache… which turned into a massive migraine. I ended up in the dark in bed for hours pushing on my skull. Finally, late into the evening, I had some relief. The headache stayed… even into today. But nothing like it was yesterday.I’ve had a few cramps. Not many other side effects. I’m not even sure if I’m really having hot flashes at this point (last time I had bad ones). I have been a bit weepy in my mind, but it hasn’t been bad. I feel so hopeful and excited, and at the same time I know that if this doesn’t work our pill cycles are over and we will have to try more invasive techniques. I’m not giving up hope and I know that I’ll be okay even if I don’t see something on my Day 10 ultrasound. It could take some time to notice a change. If nothing happens this cycle, I think we will take a two week break before beginning Provera again.

CD4 – Day 2 of Letrozole 7.5mg

I totally offended the ultrasound technician yesterday morning. I asked her to wear a glove before putting on the condom. I immediately saw that I offended her – as if I was attacking her ability to do her job. I felt so bad I literally had tears. I apologized profusely. She defended herself at first and then went on to tell me that the most important thing is that I feel comfortable and she wants to do what I need in order to feel comfortable. I apologized again and literally felt so bad it brought on many sad emotions. Then I wondered if this would effect our interactions together. She is the most amazing technician and now I may have lost our connection. Am I too picky? Am I a terrible person? I am honestly just so protective over my body. I don’t want to risk a thing!

In the end, my lining is shedding and on one ovary I have at least 20 antral follicles but on the other side I was told only 17 were counted. In the past I had more than 20 on each side, so many so that they stopped counting. Why would I suddenly have less than 20? It’s still a lot, so I’m not too concerned… but I’m definitely curious in somewhat of a skeptical way. Perhaps some were hidden? If there is less, maybe my chances are greater this cycle?

Overhearing other woman progress and grow eggs and receive meds or prep for transfers is starting to make me more jealous than I have ever been. I don’t wish anything bad on them – but I swear my heart ACHES when I hear all this positivity and opportunity that isn’t mine.

I’m totally hesitant about the higher dose of Letrozole. I really hope my side effects aren’t bad. And if they are then they are… and I hope something more grows this time.

I have continued my excitement for trying new recipes and eating healthy. It has made me feel that much better! I haven’t really been to the gym much, I need to get that back on track.

On side note: Lately I’ve been super forgetful.

IVF?

We had our IVF consultation yesterday.

I asked the doctor a bunch of questions first.

He told me I’m not at risk for blood clots when I take a higher dose of Letrozole. He told me he could potentially put me on injectables but he would only put me on a very low dose (because I have SO many small follicles)… which would mean MAYBE growing ONE egg or nothing at all. He wouldn’t want to raise my dose because he thinks that I would over-produce or even hyper stimulate.

So- I’m on the wait list of IVF. It’s a 1-2 year wait list if you have government support.

If not, I could start an IVF cycle NEXT WEEK.

I was chatting with a friend who told me she felt her fertility doctor really pushed IVF so that the clinic could make more money.

It’s interesting because my doctor originally was so positive about Clomid and Letrozole maybe injectables and an IUI (which I can’t do unless I ovulate!). In the past he offered Metoformin and then yesterday told me he would only give it to me if the highest dose of Letrozole didn’t work…

Even though I am the one who initiated the IVF talk… he seemed so positive about it. He said it was a logical next step. He wasn’t pushy, but seemed to lean that way.

My last pill of Provera is tonight. I can feel what my body feels like before a period… and I should get my period tomorrow or Saturday. I think I’m going to try the higher dose of Letrozole this cycle. And since I had a slight response and for a second grew a 10mm follicle, maybe the higher dose will be my answer? Maybe I will ask for the injectables if this doesn’t work. Worth a try?

The idea of having a 60% chance of being pregnant this month if we do IVF is so fucking tempting.  And even if we aren’t successful the knowledge that I’d possibly have embryos waiting to be transferred would be a relief. I just – it’s so hard to pass up. But the cost out of pocket – is a crazy thought.

I’ve been eating so well this week and it feels great. My body just feels better. Even though my stomach is bloated, I’m not really bloated all over.

I’ve also have been having a lot of arguments… no I’ll call these fights… with my husband. A lot. Is it the meds? Something else? I know I’ve been a bit more sensitive and a bit more irritaed, but nothing TOO much. I’m pretty sure.

Provera day 5/10

So far so good. No side effects really. Slight headache yesterday which went away after my hubby massaged me. Had some awkward tummy pain but it’s improved. Sleep has been a bit restless. I have also had a few dizzy-ish spells. Very little hunger- trying to concentrate on eating enough and making healthy choices. I went back to the gym and I’m trying to change my mind set back to creating a healthy home for a potential baby and a healthy body for an easier + healthy pregnancy. I think with all the meds, ups and downs and disappointments and also an increased appetite, I’ve gained weight and it’s really upsetting me. I’m back on it – positive – ready to embrace my body as my temple.

 

 

CD20 – another bust

sad.

I guess I had my hopes up. Serious butterflies this morning. When the ultrasound tech was looking at my insides she had to really push on my lower tummy in order to see my ovaries… which hasn’t happened before. “I see no change”, she said. But what she really meant to say… and what the nurse said… is that although my lining grew 1mm, the left follicle that was 10mm is gone – disappeared- and the right follicle hasn’t changed. Originally she told me to come back in on Wednesday and if nothing happened then the cycle would probably be cancelled…. but I got a voice mail later in the day saying that the doctor actually cancelled my cycle and to call on my next day 1 so that we can go ahead with 7.5mg of Letrozole. Okay- all of that is fine (well it’s not fine because we were discussing other options … like Metformin… and they seem to of forgotten)… except I NEED Provera in order to induce a period… which they dropped the ball on because the clinic closes early today. So now they have delayed me yet another day because I won’t get Provera until at least tomorrow.

The one that disappeared, could it have ovulated? Or just shrunk? I guess my blood work would have clues if I ovulated. It just disappeared.

Man.

Sucks.

fucking sucks.

 

CD18 – Something Is Happening

It started with the weekend ultrasound tech who doesn’t wear a glove when putting the condom on the probe. I apologized I was being too picky and kindly asked her to wear gloves on both hands. I had literally just seen her eating a breakfast sandwich with her hands. Wear gloves please.

Because I had already done that, I was hesitant to ask about what she saw on the screen. I can understand that some ultrasound technicians like to have the screen facing only them so they can do their work – but it’s my body and I so badly want to see too. Advocate for yourself- no harm in asking – right?

I try to be innocent and selectively careful when asking about what she sees. When she was on my right side I asked her if they were all small. She said no, there is one a bit bigger. WHHHAAAATTTTT. I like- I didn’t know what that meant. Is this good is this bad? Is this meaningful? Then she said it’s 1cm (10mm). 10mm. I’m registering this in my head. My background knowledge tells me that people usually trigger ovulation around 18mm… and follicles can grow between 1-3mm a day. She moves to my other side and has found the same thing. Another 1cm (10mm) follicle. WHHHHHAAAATTTT.  I’m so hesitant to feel any joy. But I know I’m already in a better mood- I’m already ECSTATIC that SOMETHING, ANYTHING has happened. That there is change in my body. Some response. Even if this cycle is not “the” cycle… we are getting somewhere. (I think aout my IVF consultation appointment coming up and wonder if I have jumped the gun…and after having a conversation on here with someone else amazing and experienced in infertility -thank you for the conversation!- I think maybe IUI would be a better next step if we decide the meds alone are not working? I have a lot to learn, I guess).

Painful blood lady. My veins hurt.

When I sat down with the nurse, I think she was excited with me. (Or did she think it was ridiculous that I was excited?). The lady measured my lining to be 4mm which is less than last time. The nurse said it could just be the way she saw it, and she isn’t concerned. If my follicles grow by Monday they will start me on estrace then. She also said she wasn’t worried about the late development in the cycle at this point. Because I hadn’t seen the screen during the ultrasound I asked her if she could show me the pictures of my ovaries. I just so badly wanted to see what it looked like on my ovaries when a follicle grows. It was beautiful.

I legit teared all the way home.

This is such a positive sign. I mean, technically, we could have a chance this cycle. It’s so possible. And even if we don’t, even if nothing more happens – I HAD FOLLICLE GROWTH! And I’m thrilled and excited and thankful for that alone.

 

CD15

Painful blood lady again.

The ultrasound tech was the one I love. She’s so kind, shares the screen with me, and explains what she sees. For the first time, I saw her measure follicles. They all still appeared to be super small to me. In the end, she told me nothing has changed since last time. No growth. So- what was she measuring?

When I met with the nurse, she said the same thing to me. No change. No lead follicles. We discussed next steps, including raising the Letrozole dose to 7mg and also bringing in Metformin for the ride. I think what peaked my interested to try  it most was the youtube channel “The Hills”. I have really enjoyed watching their fertility journey so far.

Right now, my next confirmed step from the doctors protocol is to raise the Letrozole dose. I asked the nurse to ask him about possibly not raising it and just bringing in metformin. I hope this doesn’t end up like last time where I had to wait 2 weeks to meet with the doctor again just so he could write up a protocol stating exactly what I asked for (and it happens to be also exactly what he offered me last time I met with him). If he has offered it in the past, I don’t see why I’d have to meet with him all over again. Waste of everyone’s time.

I also inquired about IVF again. So I made an IVF consultation appointment. Am I jumping the gun here? Am I being too impatient? Have I not tried enough? I’ve only had two medicated cycles. Maybe I just need to mix and match more drugs? I wish there was an easy answer. And I am totally the kind of person who likes instant satisfaction. At least I’ll have the consultation.

Back for blood an ultrasound on Saturday. If nothing has changed, they will cancel my cycle.

In other news – I seem to really be off track with working out and eating healthy and balanced. I’m really upset at myself. I’ve totally gained more weight – I may be larger than ever before. I literally want to jump out of my body and cut parts of it off. Although PCOS may be to blame for some of it – I’m not helping at all. I’ve been eating shit and I haven’t been working out. I need to get motivated and feel hopeful again.

My veins hurt.